How Should Parents Treat Children Receiving Their Report Cards?

How to Respond When Your Child Receives Their Report Card As millions of students head into their semester break when the final bell rings, did you know that as parents, your reaction to the report card means your test is just beginning? Dilara Yamanlar Büyükkoç, Clinical Psychologist at Acıbadem Maslak Hospital, states: "Whether your child's report card falls below or exceeds your expectations, it is extremely important that your reactions remain controlled. Children can encode love as something that changes based on success. For this reason, to avoid sending them this underlying message and to be a developmental, supportive parent, there are very important rules that must be observed." Clinical Psychologist Dilara Yamanlar Büyükkoç explained to parents the behavioral patterns to avoid when facing a successful or poor report card, as well as examples of the correct approach, and provided important warnings and recommendations. Comparing, judging without listening, punishing, attaching labels like 'you're lazy, you're a failure,' raising your voice, or showing indifference! Imagine receiving such reactions from someone very important to you over any failure on your part—what would you feel? The first thing you would say would be anger or hurt, wouldn't it? Clinical Psychologist Dilara Yamanlar Büyükkoç points out that children feel these emotions much more intensely and, worse yet, do not just experience them as a single emotion but generalize it: "A child who encounters such approaches from their family regarding their report card will inevitably feel rejected, excluded, or unloved. Feeling these emotions toward their family will not increase the likelihood of success but rather the likelihood of failure. This will trigger withdrawal from the family." So how should families approach a poor report card? Clinical Psychologist Dilara Yamanlar lists her recommendations as follows:

Find the reasons for low grades without judgment!

By communicating with your child, you should first congratulate them on completing a period with its ups and downs, and then try to find the reasons for the low grades on their report card without judgment. Clinical Psychologist Dilara Yamanlar Büyükkoç suggests approaching the child with: "You've completed a whole period with its good and bad points, and there were areas where you struggled and areas where you enjoyed yourself. I congratulate you on completing another period with so much experience. Let's evaluate this period a bit, let's go through the grades on your report card together. I see a few subjects here that are a bit lower than your other grades—why do you think that happened? How do you think you can improve this? How can we as parents support you?"

Appreciate their effort and express the positive points!

In the second step of the correct approach to your child, it is very important to be embracing, appreciate their effort, express their positive points, and at the same time show them areas where they can improve. Clinical Psychologist Dilara Yamanlar Büyükkoç states: "You are very valuable to me, and no matter what the result is, my love for you will never change. I see that when you focus and try, you do very nice things, and I believe that when you try hard enough and do your best, you will get much better results. Come here for a hug—the next period is a brand new one, let's talk a bit about what we could do differently with it so the results are different" is a more constructive and embracing approach.

Ask for their input and show you understand!

The child should be told that they will start their break but need to start working in small steps on these underperforming subjects, and their input should be sought. Clinical Psychologist Dilara Yamanlar Büyükkoç states: "You've been tired throughout the period and need a break—come on, let's plan your break together, what are you thinking of doing? If we also set aside time for reviewing topics related to the low grades, we'll make a good start. Which part of the break would you prefer to put the topic review in?" When the main framework is set this way and children are given the choice, parents' jobs become easier and children become more motivated."

Question yourself!

Emphasizing that you need to question yourself as the final step, Clinical Psychologist Dilara Yamanlar Büyükkoç states that parents should think about "Where might we have fallen short, in terms of follow-up, encouragement, and maintaining success—what can we do?" and should meet with their child's teachers and listen to their suggestions for development.

Don't exaggerate your reactions to a successful report card!

So how should reactions be in the face of a successful or even exceptionally good report card? Clinical Psychologist Dilara Yamanlar Büyükkoç notes that you should avoid exaggerated gifts and labels like "you're smart," praise: "This can lead to working for gifts or reduced effort with the message 'I'm already very smart.' What you should do is appreciate them, tell them you saw their effort and are proud, go through the factors that contributed to their success, discuss how this success made them feel, and celebrate their success by hugging them or going out for a meal together. This attitude will be ideal for ensuring the continuity of your child's success." Stressing that it must not be forgotten that a report card is not an indicator of intelligence or life success, Clinical Psychologist Dilara Yamanlar Büyükkoç concludes: "It should be remembered that a report card is only a summary of a period or a year, and this should also be reminded to the child. In this way, we also increase the likelihood of making a fresh start in the new period."